Ten Ways to Marry the Wrong Person

Someone sent me an email message recently which covers several mistakes persons make in looking for a partner. I am certainly not an expert in these delicate matters and I still have a long way to learn but seeing that in the past weeks I have come across these 2 posts on what Women want and what men want I thought I should post this email as well just to add some fuel on the fire. It is rather lengthy but I didn't want to dilute the content by editing it so here goes:

Disclaimer: This is not an original post so I shall not be held responsible for the views contained within nor shall I be liable for any breakups or dissolutions of marriage that may arise from reading the following post - kirima ;-)

For my brothers and sisters who are in the process of finding a marriage partner and for those of us in this noble institution, this is for you.
With the divorce rate over 50%, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding whom to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalizethese 10 insights.

1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married. The classic mistake! NEVER MARRY POTENTIAL!! The Golden Rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married...for the worst!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.


2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character? Here are four characteristics to definitely check for:
   Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
   Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give to charity?Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
   Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?


3. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goal and priorities. There are three basic ways we connect with another person: a) Chemistry and compatibility b) share common interests c) share common life goal. Make sure you share a deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're living for while you are single-and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a soul mate. A soul mate is a goal mate....two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore sharethe same priorities, values and goals.


4. You pick the wrong person because you do not have deeper emotional connection. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. Yes, you should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc but do youactually respect and admire this person who possesses these qualities? Also ask: "Do I trust this person? " his also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?


5. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings andopinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship. Another aspect of feeling safe isthat you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign ofan abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There is a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions. " A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.


6. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.Anything that others you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and findcompromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.


7. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, takeresponsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better and your future spouse will thank you.


8. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly. This can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions. It is not necessary to "test drive" in order to find out if a couple are sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionallycompatible, you don't have to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.


9. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't get it. Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotionalneeds of the woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved. -To feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent is Judaism's approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy isalways on the woman's terms. Men are goal oriented especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented , he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things will happen.


10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is a classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well,such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in a triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You'll not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.
    
    Ability is what you're capable of doing....... ......
    Motivation determines what you do.......... .........Attitude determines how well you do it!KNOW HIM/HER WELL B4 U DECIDE

No. 9 Now thats why Jewish guys are so in demand :-)

The Journey so Far - 1 Month Blogversary

A LITTLE CELEBRATION IS IN ORDER

It doesn't seem like it but it seems like I have successfully completed a month here at the blogosphere. After doing 14 Posts which have generated 102 comments it feels like I have been around for an eternity. What started out as a simple wikipedia search on what blogging is all about led me to experiment and go ahead and dive in withboth feet so to speak. I promptly got onto blogger and did the 1-2-3 tasks and voila I started my own blog. At first I didn't know what to do and just thought it would just lie their idle like alot of the cybertrash cluttering up the internet but I decided to give it a go and start posting and see if I could find share something other people would find interesting.
The Rural Challenge: The major huddle for me joining the blogging the blogging community had to come with the fact that I had to blog from the countryside where life is slow and there are hardly any major events of reckon, The other challenge was of a more fundamental nature - Connectivity. To those who know rural Kenya internet connectivity is a big let down since we are not served with any reliable ICT services even getting telephone access is a headache the only light at the end of the tunnel is the various wireless services such as GPRS and CDMA which might are available but are mightyly expensive. Fortunately I can still get some limited access in the office in the evenings when every one has gone home and the ONE internet computer is free. Another plus is alot of free time loads and loads of it!
The Techie Challenge: When I crawl through the profiles of most of the bloggers in the Kenyan blogosphere I tend to note that most are in the communications/Media/Tech fields. Now how does a biochemist working in an agricultural set up in rural Kenya fit in all this? Although not a techie by proffession I love all things tech and I quickly devour any new gadgets therefore since I don't have the opportunity to spend on alot of urban neccessities(rent,tranport) I can buy all the gadgets I need so with my trusty Toshib laptop, Sony digicam, Palm PDA (wifi/bluetooth), Cellphone (GPRS/EDGE) I can connect myself to the cyberworld and share the experiences.
The Ride: I did my First Posts and kind of just waited and started scoping the community by first checking out the Kenyan scene and kind of stumbled on KBW and joined the ring. From there I was able to start checking out several of the members first just studying the norms and etiquette before making any comments. With my first hesitant comments I started realizing that they would start hitting back and soon I got my first comments on my blog(Thanks Princess). Pretty soon I was hooked and began openly commenting on topics that I found interesting there were several though I prefered to just to read and keep to myself.
Along the way: I have found some very interesting people in the blogosphere, people who support my beloved ManU and many who support the enemy. There were some who are always handy for a cheer and a laugh and some who provided inspiring thoughts and spiritual food. Quite a number of cheerful posts, crazy stories, Weird events, good tips and interesting experiences and hot debates which I thoroughly enjoyed reading and commenting. . I also managed to bump into an old friend and somewhere along the way even my lil' Bro joined the blogging ride. I even managed to get tips on solving my phone woes and discover a german guy who used to reside in the town I now call home. Nowadays my days begins and ends with me opening my newsreader and collecting feeds from all my favorite blogs. What amazes me is the tit for tat and general good nature of the kenyan blogging community and how everyone is able to get along like old friends without all the flame wars we are accustomed to in chatrooms
The Challenge: Recently one regular blogger decided to challenge quite a number of us to do a post in Sheng/Kikwetuu which is the preserve of the masters, I naively took up the challenge and spent an eternity nashing away at my keyboard even after google was unable to deliver any help. I managed to deliver at least one sheng post which I hestiantly put up and waited anxiously for the ridicule coz according to Wikipedia; Sheng is primarily a language of urban youths which unfortunately I am not and the topic was a bit out of character for me. Fortunately it was not too bad and I got a few nice comments (Thanx) but as to whether it will be repeated - methinks never again!
The Big Mysteries: As I blog I have also come up with what I call the 3 big mysteries of the Kenyan blog community for which I am still searching for an answer:

1. Is there a prize for making the number one comment? It constantly amuses me how the KBWers are always competing to be No.1, Kwani someone is keeping score or there is a secret prize.


2. What is the B-Train and where is the destination?


3. Just who is M?

The Future: I guess what started as just an experiment and a personal challenge has now grown on me and become a daily must do. I have even noticed that several of the bloggers have started switching to Wordpress and after scoping out myself I decided to book my space just in case one day I decide to move though for now I am quite comfortable here at blogger. I am still looking for a course/purpose for my blog but in the meantime I intend to blog on whatever comes to mind although I am begining to think of myself as an insight to the the rural life.

Maybe after accomplishing my first objectives the thrill may no longer be there and I could just decide to say goodbye to the blogosphere but the answer to that is not one I can give for now since I am thoroughly enjoying the Ride.

Currently Reading: Next by Michael Crichton

Presidential Healing Powers

President Jammeh and Friend

I read this article with outrage (and very little amusement) about how Gambian President Yahya Jammeh claims to be able to cure HIV/AIDS patients with a secret herbal 'cure' that he had developed. I find this claim absolutely astounding and what makes me even more amazed is the stature of the man making the claim. I was slightly bemused when Thabo Mbeki the South African President made his famous allegation that HIV was not the Cause of AIDS but at least there was a argument albeit weak one that could be made on that particular claim. This claim by President Jammeh on the other hand is just plain wrong there is no other way to describe it. I also remember when a certain Kenyan prominent scientist made an secret cure for AIDS which he stubbornly refused to subject to scientific evaluation and peer review going againist the very Hippocratic Oath he had sworn to uphold as a doctor. It saddens me that our African Leaders instead of providing leadership on this crisis that faceses us stark in the face are just engaging in sideshows which just excites the masses but have no results to show. They should be telling us to protect ourselves not promise bogus cures and provide treatment to those who are infected not just pump us with conspiracy theories about imprialistic western designs on the African continent. Instead of comming up with solutions to the shameful events occuring in Darfur and Zimbabwe at the moment they are just busy pumping us with a lot of hot air about how the west is oppressing Africa. I live in Africa and I am proud to be African but I am deeply ashamed at the leadership we have in this continent maybe we as a people are to blame for allowing this to be done to us but that doesn't give these leaders and excuse for their poor performance.
I am not one given to ranting or raving but what I felt while reading this article just blew my mind.
Read More.

Blogger wa Ushago na Nyege za Kamuti

Nimekubali kuchukua ile challenge ya Msee moja anaji-label Augeusi ya kuchora ninii ya sheng. Kwanza nilipoa kwa keja yangu huku Embu nikiwaza vile nita chora hii ninii. Kwanza nilifikiria eti nitawa con na kutumia google lakini google translater haina translator ya Sheng.
Kwa hivyo nimechora haka ka-risto niliskia juzi nikiwaka kwa maskan ile napoa nikitokea job.
Hii storo ilitokea wakati tulianza kudiscuss zile mambo za uchawi ile imetokea kwa machuo za ma-dame uko coasto na western na mori wengine kwa club. Mi husema hizo storo za uchawi na kamuti ni vako lakini wakati nilijaribu kuwashow hivyo niliambiwa eti uchawi ni real na nikicheza especially na kao wa Kitui nitakuta nimewekewa kamuti.

Hi risto ni ju ya ka manzi kengine ka primo. Hako ka manzi kalizua wazimu kwa chuo eti kuna ma-spirit ya chali mwingine, eti zinamdara kwa sehemu zake za siri na zilikuwa zina munyonya matiti. Yaani yuyo mshee alikuwa anapiga nduru akiscream jina ya chali na akijaribu kutoa nguo kwa daro na kulala kwa floor ya daro akiwa amepanua (katika position ya missionary!). Wakati niliuliza kwa nini alikuwa anamskia huyo charlie hivyo, niliambiwa walikuwa na ubeshte naye lakini maparo walizua noma na chali aka katazwa kumkatia hako ka dame. Wakati maparo wa ka manzi waliitwa chuo na mtichee badala ya kumpeleka kwa psychiatrist au kwa pastor eti walimpeleka kwa mchawi mwingine wa nguvu huko Kiambeere. Huyo mchawi aliwaambia eti ka dame kao kame wekewa kamuti na huyo charlie, na wakitaka kutoa hizo mademons ni lazima wa bambe huyo chali na wamfinye mpaka atoe hizo kamuti.
Kile kilinishtuwa ni eti wasee wa kijiji walibamba huyo chali na wakanza kumtoture ili atoe zile kamuti, ilibidi chali apige mbiyo na kujificha kwa makarao ili wa mprotect. Mpaka sasa huyo jamaa hawezi kurudi hii mtaa.

Kweli bado huku ocha nilazima ujichunge wakati una katia ma damu kwa sababu kaki kunoki hautaweza kujitoa hapo na ukijaribu kumhepa au akikatazwa na buda utashtuka kuambiwa eti kamezua noma za kamuti.
Kwa maoni yangu hako manzi hakua na problem yeyote ya kamuti ama kurogwa, kile kilikuwa kinamsumbua ni Nyege nyingi pekee. Ama ni aje?

Rural Blogging 101

This last week has been a challenge for this newbie blogger. The boss sent us on one of those Team Bonding Workshops which are normally held on remote locales with as much distance from modern conveninces as possible. The resort in question is located next to one of the Seven Forks dams where internet connection is still a pipe dream. There was intermitent cellphone connectivity and my prefered option for GPRS (Celtel was not available at all) so I was stuck with the bitter option which just went a long way to increase my misery.
One of the biggest challenges to engaging in any form of e-activity in the country side is virtual non-existence of internet connections. For the lucky few such as I who have the good fortune of working with a company that can afford a VSAT connection I can afford to post occassionally, although the employer in their infinite wisdom decided to put in a firewall which restricts our workstations from accessing the internet outside the corporate intranet, however there is one PC for all the employees to share which of course limits the time you can spend on line. So what are the options left available for a rural blogger.

• Dial up? Sorry but it is not even worth talking about Telkom Kenya they are the ultimate corporate failure in Kenya..
• Leased Line? Don't even think about it.
• GPRS? Available but you are advised to restrict yourself to text otherwise you will just be watching your credit vaporise in seconds and you need a very good phone.
• WAP? Crap!
• Cyber cafe? Nearest cybercafe is like 40 Kms away and the connection speeds are atrocious to say the least, I have seen a computer take 5 minutes to load the google webpage.
• Telkom Wireless? I was excited to hear that CDMA is going countrywide but to my horrer I found out that they are charging 3 bob per minute. This is daylight robbery and I don't believe it is fair to charge for internet connectivity per minute since you end up paying more when the service is poor.
• Hotspot? hehehe! this is just for a laugh.
• WiMax? I'm just dreaming right:-)

My take on this matter is that it is high time a deliberate effort was made by the policy makers to make it easier for us disadvantaged rural folk to join the e-community perhaps by providing subsidides or tax holidays and other incentives to companys that are willing to invest in providing ICT services out here in the sticks.
RED DELIGHT
To all the ManU haters out there yesterdays performance at Bolton should make you realize that we are well on our way to reclaiming the league honours and we are having a hell of a good time on our way there. Christiano and the Roo were so outstanding and their chemistry is impressive. I am crossing my fingers on the FA cup and Champions League the prospect of a treble is now looming larger but in the mean time let me just enjoy the ride.

International Womens Day

Today is International Womens Day and I thought I should not end the day without adding my few words and recognizing a few of the women who have made a mark in my life and made me whom I am today. Incidentally in some countries IWD is marked as a public Holiday which I believe is a more worthy day than some of the public holidays we have to honour politicians.

About International Womens day

1. 
   
   Mum: For today I would just not not be there if you hadn't brought me up, fed me, educated me and loved me as all mothers should.


2. 
   
   My Primary Class Teacher: I wonder if kids today have that one class teacher who would take you from Std 4 to 8, I always remember Miss **** who was always willing to encourage me to do better even when I was top of the class her usual remark was always 'You can do better' and as I look at myself today those words still apply.


3. 
   
   My First Love: We may not be together now but you taught me how to put someone elses needs and feelings before mine, how to treat a lady and for all the happy memories which I always treasure and will not forget.

There are many others too numerous to mention individually and I know there are many more out there I am yet to meet, My utmost best wishes to all the women in the world with hope that someone out there is saluting you as a Mother, Teacher, Friend or Lover.

The Reds are Matching On

Another glorious outing for the boys as ManU move ahead in the Champions League, after the sensational game on Saturday with Liverpool it was double pleasure this week as we beat Lille properly last night to advance to the Quarters. Who would have dreamt this last year that we are now chasing the Treble. We have done it before and all bets are that they will do it again this year. The growth I have seen in Christiano Ronaldo this year definately earns him the right to wear that glorious number 7.

ps: I am sad to see Larsson leave but the mark he has left in those few months
will live forever in ManU history especially that sensational goal last
night.

Things I Miss

Living out of the city with all the peace and nature and generally slow pace is definately good for the body but what use is a good and healthy body if you cannot spoil it once in a while with a few of the indulgencies of modern life. I still remember several things that I used to take for granted in the past but now I cannot access as easily as I would have wanted. These are a few small things that normally one would never even give a thought to but when out here they just ain't there any more

1. Burgers: Juicy steer burgers with pickles, cheese and all those other artery clogging toppings, out here fast food can only refer to the speed at which you empty the plate.


2. Window Shopping: It doesn't seem like much but just being able to while away the afternoon ogling all those clothes you cannot buy at Abdulla Fazal and Gadgets at Audiopoint gives you something to aspire to.


3. Movies: The only movies you get around here are those annoying Nigerian VCD's and old action movie apparently Scharwzenneger and Stallone are still the biggest hits around here. Nobody seems to have heard of Lord of the Rings, Some one told me Star Wars is just lies (Kwani which movie isn't)


4. Music: Try going out and all the music you get in the clubs is Reggae, Raga, Ragatone, etc. If the DJ plays something like Soul, Rock, RnB you get a major exodus from the floor. I don't mind a little mugithi though.


5. DSTV: Only 2 clubs I know in Embu town with supersport and that is like 30 km away so it is a labour of love to watch my beloved ManU.


6. Hanging out: just being able to go and spend your evening with good conversation, good food and drinks, a little music etc. Around here there seems to be an unwritten curfew which consigns every one to their digs by 9:00 PM.


7. Rugby: never heard of it around here


8. Cold Malt: If it is not cold it is not worth drinking it, that is if is available in the first place.


9. Flossing: What good is that neat phone, Laptop, Car, Home Theatre, DVD collection if there is nobody who understands what the features are so that you can floss with it.


10. Hot Chicks: Don't get me wrong there are good looking females up here but it is the presentation and attitude that is lacking, the adage that 'if you've got it, flaunt it' doesn't apply around here, it is too conservative. Imagine no Minis, Hipsters, Halters, Cami's just boring...

Now before I get all depressed I have to come up with 10 things I don't miss about the big city, there has to be some balance in life. I mean one side can't have it all.

Country Life

It is hard not to envy all those guys living out there in the city including Nairobi where one can enjoy all the advantages that Technology can provide. As a Born City guy and Technophille it has been quite a radical change to accept to live and work out here in the Bundus where as recently as 4 years ago the only form of telecomunication was a 2 way VHF radio. Explaining about the internet to people around here was like a lecture in greek philosophy. That I can now blog everyday is like a minor miracle.

Photo of the Local

Despite all the perceived backwardness there must be a few advantages of living out here in the bundus such as:

• No traffic Jams, wait that is not entirely true. Occassionally cattle crossing the road can hold you up for a few minutes)


• Beers are sold at the reccomended retail price - .You can be the local celebrity by just buying a drink for everyone in the pub and it will still cost you less than getting into Carni


• Dates are cheap- In the most expensive restuarant you can get an meal for two for less than 2 reds.


• Everybody knows you - whether this is good or bad is still debatable depending on how you are known since reputations stick.


• Being a celeb only requires you to drive a car that moves without being push started (you get extra marks if it is not a pick-up)


• You never need to dress up in anything fancy. but I will still not do the yellow trouser and purple shirt routine.


• No gym card required Nobody cares if you gain weight - you actually gain points in the social ladder

There must be several more reasons otherwise I would now have been driven mad by boredom and have gotten out of here.

There is a downside too:

• If you are not yet married at 21 you are a misfit, if you dont have 2 wives at 40 you need help


• Daily Conversation revolves around livestock, crops, children and escapades of the local chief and headmaster


• Talk to the local girls and a commitee of wazee will shortly be arriving at your digs to negotiate dowry


• How can yor gain weight without Burgers?

Its not that bad just different and we all have to work

Ces' t la vie