Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Ten Ways to Marry the Wrong Person

Someone sent me an email message recently which covers several mistakes persons make in looking for a partner. I am certainly not an expert in these delicate matters and I still have a long way to learn but seeing that in the past weeks I have come across these 2 posts on what Women want and what men want I thought I should post this email as well just to add some fuel on the fire. It is rather lengthy but I didn't want to dilute the content by editing it so here goes:

Disclaimer: This is not an original post so I shall not be held responsible for the views contained within nor shall I be liable for any breakups or dissolutions of marriage that may arise from reading the following post - kirima ;-)

For my brothers and sisters who are in the process of finding a marriage partner and for those of us in this noble institution, this is for you.
With the divorce rate over 50%, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding whom to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalizethese 10 insights.

  1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married. The classic mistake! NEVER MARRY POTENTIAL!! The Golden Rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married...for the worst!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

  2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character? Here are four characteristics to definitely check for:
    Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
    Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give to charity?Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
    Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

  3. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goal and priorities. There are three basic ways we connect with another person: a) Chemistry and compatibility b) share common interests c) share common life goal. Make sure you share a deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're living for while you are single-and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a soul mate. A soul mate is a goal mate....two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore sharethe same priorities, values and goals.

  4. You pick the wrong person because you do not have deeper emotional connection. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. Yes, you should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc but do youactually respect and admire this person who possesses these qualities? Also ask: "Do I trust this person? " his also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?

  5. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings andopinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship. Another aspect of feeling safe isthat you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign ofan abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There is a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions. " A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.

  6. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.Anything that others you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and findcompromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.

  7. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, takeresponsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better and your future spouse will thank you.

  8. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly. This can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions. It is not necessary to "test drive" in order to find out if a couple are sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionallycompatible, you don't have to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.

  9. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't get it. Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotionalneeds of the woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved. -To feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent is Judaism's approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy isalways on the woman's terms. Men are goal oriented especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented , he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things will happen.

  10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is a classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well,such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in a triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You'll not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.

    Ability is what you're capable of doing....... ......
    Motivation determines what you do.......... .........Attitude determines how well you do it!KNOW HIM/HER WELL B4 U DECIDE

No. 9 Now thats why Jewish guys are so in demand :-)


farmgal said...

I'll read after work!

Aizoh said...

Nice post. Eh lakini number 8. What did they say about the proof of the pudding?
You blog well. Am also new but apparently not doing quite as well. Keep it up.

Farmgal said...

Nice one kirima..will hav to forward to afew mates.
It's got me thinking!

Chatterly said...

Wonderful post :-)

"No. 9 Now thats why Jewish guys are so in demand"....what about Catholic guys? LOL!!!!

Unyc said...

Off 2 read...i thot i ws goin 2 be fao....

Betty said...

chatterly lol ati catholic guys? enyewe good question. wewe unafuata advice yako dadii?

Bomseh said...

Now I'm thinking hard.

Klara said...

This so right, I guess things would have been easier If we only knew n accepted this!!
Thanx for sharin this!

Unyc said...

Enyewe all those r true. Most pple r married 2 the wrong person mpaka u wonder what ws goin thru thrie head.

No. ( ws funny....jewish men...asii!!

Majonzi said...

because love doesn't always depend on only person it makes the whole process soooo complicated!!!

Adrian said...

the worst reason in my opinion is no. 7 - to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.

(not that picking the wrong person at all isn't bad enough)

egm said...

Thanks for sharing. True words indeed.

Kirima said...

@farmgal, It is definately fodder for thought, please share with anyone you please.
@Aizoh, thanks, as for No.8 it can be quite frustating to find that the out of bed the person you chose cannot measure up.
@Chatterly, I don't know about catholic guys but I have heard good stories about Catholic school girls (ps my first name is Yitzhak) :-)
@Betty, see above - as for the advice I am not there yet but will put some serious thought.
@Bomseh, don't damage your brain in the process ukishindwa kuchagua just try pinky pinky ponky ..... works all the time.
@Klara, Thanx I think it is better to think hard first before plunging into anything.
@Unyc, Makes me wonder how 2 people can make the same mistake but it happens all the time.-Yitzhak
@Majonzi, I agree but when it works it can also be wonderful I guess you have to be ready for many disappointments along the way.
@Adrian,The worst is actually pressure from folks or doing it just to conform to society's expectation that can really suck

3N said...

Good advise, anyone thinking about marriage should ponder on these 10 reasons before plunging in.

I have to say most of the people I know in relationships suffer from No. 7 on your list. They do not detach themselves from their own problems before joining their partner to complement each other’s problems.

I have saved this; I hope I remember to check off on it before engaging…that’s far away from leo.

Archer said...

It definitely does give one food for thought. But I'm lucky I still have slightly less than a decade before I can seriously consider marriage.

mama shady said...

yitzhak!good one!its sad the way people ingia marriage as if its buying chicken from kenchic!but i agree!its one institution that is not gathering the respect that it deserves.
@archer and 3n:shock upon shock, sijui you never know when...i can see you cringing;)

aegeus said...

Truer words have never been written...

mwangi said...

@ Archer: way to go ...
Man these marriage manenos are not easy. I am scared stiff just seeing how long my parents have been 2gether, not sure i can pull that one out ... but we'll see

kenyaonly said...

am with you Mwangi on that one....i think its tougher these to be married, relationship seem to be only good for a certain amount of time.

Gitts said...

somebody? first steve was an old friend now I'm somebody!

Bomseh said...

Time is running out for me. I'm not under pressure though. If it doesn't feel right I'll go celibate or go MO1 style - Get kids and raise them out of wedlock.

Fate is cruel, it has ways of turning things around. So I can just say that with the future, you never can tell.
Not even Nguata Francis could despite all the apparatus.

Kirima said...

@aegeus, Amen to that.
@Mwangi, The thought is daunting but if the folks could do it I'm sure you can
@Kenyaonly, Karibu kwangu. maybe they are tougher because of all those expectations.
@Gitts, Pole bro just wanted to provoke you but you can see how your wisdom has been appreciated (I'm sucking up)
@Bomseh, Good luck with your celibacy vows but toi's out of wedlock can be quite a risk

Girl next door said...

Men, women, and relationships always make interesting discussions! The post has raised very valid points. Hadn't heard about the Jewish approach before.

sheri said...

One also needs prayers to see the skeletons in the close before jumping to marriage and realise when's too late.

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